I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Asking myself questions; like, “Why do I feel so damn numb and paralyzed?” “Why am I so damn tired all the time?” “Why can’t I find the energy to work out and walk my dog?”
And then I realized, I’m still in survival mode.
After losing my mother to cancer, and my ex leaving me for another woman, I completely gave up on myself. I just stopped caring. I then realized that I have spent the better part of the last two years dissociated and numb to everyone and everything around me.
I’ve been in survival mode and operating on autopilot. All of my energy has been focused on working and paying rent for this shitty motel room.
We may hate it here, but we are blessed nonetheless. We are safe and warm with a roof over our heads. We are out of A’s house in Mexico. And my son and his girlfriend aren’t sleeping in their car.
That has been my only focus.
But as I continue to find my way back to myself, I realize that although I’m doing pretty damn good, I’m not happy with myself or where I’m at. I need a change.
I’ve been doing a little soul searching and trying to remember what motivated me to work out and walk my dogs the way that I used to. I really had to dig deep inside myself to find the answer to this.
When I was in the seventh grade, I was being bullied by several girls. And don’t even get me started on the boys! The sexual harrassment I endured had me wishing I could just disappear. P.E was absolute HELL! When I wasn’t getting pushed around and beaten up in the locker room, I was getting it in the gym. It got to the point that I stopped dressing down, stopped participating in class, and just sat on the bleachers. I was failing the easiest damn class to pass!
Thankfully the gym teacher saw what was happening and cared enough to work out a deal with me. He let me hop up on the stage and use the universal gym during class. That was my first taste of weight lifting, and I loved it.
I had to dig a little deeper, but I realized that when I was doing an INSANE 400 pounds on the leg press, that was the ONLY time I felt stronger than my bullies and abusers. At that time, lifting heavy wasn’t about having an “awesome ass”. It was the only thing that made me feel untouchable. My mother couldn’t touch me. Her lovers couldn’t touch me. The kids at school couldn’t touch me. For one hour a day, I was strong, powerful, confident, and completely untouchable.
And I want that feeling back!
Looking back I remember how I used to love walking and hiking for miles with my Boxers, Jackie and Rrusso. I remember feeling that it was the only time I felt free from the torture and abuse I endured at home. I had an amazing and unbreakable bond with my dogs. They were the only creatures I could trust. I could tell them anything and they never judged me. I also remember spending a lot of time in prayer and feeling closer to God while hiking through the forest trails.
The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I miss that. I have a new dog now. A beautiful Pit Bull, Kratos. He’s an amazing dog. Loyal, protective, affectionate. Our bond is unbreakable. This beautiful creature deserves the best of me. He deserves to enjoy going on long hikes through the forest trails with me. He deserves to enjoy a long, happy, healthy and active life.
I’ve learned a lot about myself in the past few weeks.
I looked deep enough inside myself to realize my “why”. I also realized that my “why” can’t be superficial. I have to look beyond wanting a hot body. Although that would be really awesome!
I want to feel strong and confident. Which is the opposite of what I have felt for so many years, which is weak and insecure. I also want to be a better doggie momma for Kratos. I want to be healthier and be around for my kids and grandkids. And I really want to be the kind of woman that my future husband deserves.
Now for the hard part.
I need more than just motivation. I know that there will be days when the motivation to practice self care, and doing things like walking my dog and working out just won’t be there.
I need discipline. I need accountability. I need routine and consistency. Most importantly, I need to start loving myself enough to really make some healthy changes in my life. This concept of self-love is foreign to me. It won’t be easy. But that’s okay. I don’t need easy. I just need possible.
How do I do this?
Baby steps. That’s the only way. Set small goals that are attainable. Simple things like walking my dog for 30 minutes every morning and eating salad for lunch instead of pizza. Lose 25 pounds.
It’s been proven that incentives really do help us reach our goals. I’ve been thinking about some simple ways to reward myself for staying on track and reaching my goals. Such as ordering an item from my Amazon wish list, like a piece of jewelry I’ve been wanting or a new outfit to show off my new curves.
Creating new healthy habits, practicing self-discipline and rewarding myself for reaching my goals is a great place to start.
But above all, I need to wake up each morning and remind myself that I am absolutely fucking worth it! And no one will ever make me feel less than worthy again!