Thank You For Leaving Me For Her

Dear A,

Thank you for leaving me for her. Thank you for setting me free from your abuse and constant mindfuckery. Thank you for making me a stronger woman than I ever dreamed of being. Because of you, I am the warrior queen that I am. Strong, beautiful, sensitive, passionate, and full of love.

Thank you for giving me the gift of motherhood. Because of you, I have the three most incredible sons and granddaughter that a woman could ask for.

Thank you for teaching me. Because of your hatred of me, I have learned how to love deeper than I ever dreamed possible. Because of your constant mindfuckery and coldness, I have learned how to be strong and independent. Because of the way you treated me and our children, you have shown me the kind of person that I NEVER want to be; bitter, hateful, cold, distant, unloving, and cruel.

Because of you constantly telling me that I’m disgusting I have learned that I can lose weight, workout, and have a better body. But external beauty rarely lasts. Because of your constant cruelty, I have a soft heart. A heart that loves and forgives.

Because you left me for her, I have learned just how committed I am to my marriage and family. I would have held on until the pain of holding onto you killed me. Thank you for leaving me for her and setting me free.

Because you literally replaced your wife and children with a new woman and children, I have learned the truth about just how sick and fucked up you really are. It’s only a matter of time that you will do the same to them as you did to me and the boys. If only they knew the kind of monster you really are.

Middle School Was Hell

My mother never cared about what I wore to school. If I liked the clothes I saw when shopping, she bought it. Even if it was too provocative for a teenage girl to wear.

I remember that in middle school I had a reputation as a slut. Even though I was a virgin. I was sexually harassed by the boys and body shamed by the girls. I had a very mature body for my age and I dressed quite provocatively. The boys were paying attention to me and not them. So naturally, they hated me.

I remember being spit on, having my hair pulled, being tripped, and pushed into the lockers just about every day.

Seventh grade. In comes Starr, the nightmare from hell. I remember in choir class Starr’s step-sister gave me a dirty look. So I returned the favor and shot her one right back. After class, just as I walked out the door, Starr shoved me into the brick wall and began punching me over and over in the face and chest. The principal came and broke up the fight. Starr was suspended and was supposed to leave. She didn’t. After school, my friend Kara was walking with me to the bus stop, Behind us was a mob of hundreds of students. And Starr was their leader.

When Kara saw them, she ran for help. Starr threw me into a telephone pole and began punching me repeatedly in the face and chest. Luckily my mother made me carry military tear gas, so I reached into my pocket, grabbed the can and sprayed Starr in the face, and ran. I ran to the only open door which happened to be my sixth-grade homeroom teacher.

However, I didn’t make it without being sprayed in the face with mace. Byt the time I got to Mrs. Cooney’s classroom, the principal was there waiting for me. I was taken to the office and my mother was called. She didn’t want to come to pick me up from school, so she sent the next-door neighbor. As I waited for her to come and get me I could hear dozens of students in the hall shouting, “Kill her! Kill that bitch! I’m gonna kill that fucking bitch! I’m gonna’ kill that fucking slut!”

After that day, the bullying only got worse and worse with each day. The death threats continued. I was constantly being hit, spit on, tripped and shoved into the lockers. It went on for months. I was becoming depressed and afraid to go to school. I was afraid to go to the bus stop alone. So I began cutting class and walking home. I can’t remember how far it was, but it was about a three hour walk.

One day, my mother was supposed to come to the school with me to talk with the principal about the bullying. We got on the bus and sat down. Then Starr and some of the other bullies got on the bus. My mother got off the bus and left me to the den of rabid wolves.

Eventually, Star was expelled. But the bullying never stopped. By the time I reached the eighth grade, I had stopped eating except for maybe a few bites of food each day. I was depressed and cutting daily. Each day I felt so sick and weak, I just couldn’t get up to go to school. Life was unbearable. My mother was becoming increasingly abusive, girls at school wanted me dead and the boys wanted nothing more than to torment me and beg for me to fuck them. I was hopeless that life would get any better. Everyone hated me and I wanted to die. Thoughts of suicide began to flood my mind.

That was when I met A. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was terrified to go to school. I was terrified that if I continued to go to school I would lose my baby. My baby was my only reason to live. I begged my mother to let me homeschool and she agreed. Finishing the eighth grade at home was the best decision we could have made.

Starting Over for the 100th Time

My weight and relationship with food has been a problem for as long as I can remember. As a child, I can remember being normal-sized until around the third grade. That’s when I started gaining weight. By the time I reached the fifth grade, I was wearing a women’s size 14.

I remember the summer before entering the sixth grade. I was so preoccupied with my weight. I told my mother that I wanted to go on a diet. I remember telling her that I was afraid that the boys wouldn’t like me or think I was pretty because I was fat.

My mother didn’t know the first thing about dieting. She never cared for her body, and she never taught me to care for my own. But she did her best to help me in my dilemma. She bought some SlimFast, and that is when I started dieting for the first time. I stuck to the habit of replacing meals or just not eating throughout my middle school years. I remember my mother being concerned about anorexia and took me to the doctor. Standing at five feet, eight inches tall, and weighing only 115 pounds, I was diagnosed as anorexic.

Becoming a teenage mom may have saved my life, but it was also the beginning of a cycle that would remain with me for the rest of my life. During my pregnancy with my first son at the age of 14, I gained 90 pounds. After my baby was born, it took me nine months to lose the weight. Then I got pregnant with my second son and gained another 90 pounds. This time it took me two years to lose the weight. I was eating pretty healthy and working out every day. I was fit and strong. Then at 18, I became pregnant with my third son. This pregnancy was difficult. I stopped working out and eating healthy. We ate at Burger King nearly every day. This caused me to gain a massive 120 pounds during my pregnancy.

This time, losing the weight wasn’t so easy. And my relationship with A was becoming even more toxic and abusive. He was constantly making hurtful comments about my body. I became depressed and started turning to food and candy for comfort. But the more A body shamed me, the more desperate I became to lose weight. So I began dieting with pills and meal replacements again. I would do well for a short time, but when I could no longer afford to pay the outrages prices for the products, all of the weight came piling back, plus some more.

I was doing pretty good for a short while, a couple years ago. But then my life really started to crumble and fall apart. My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer and A wanted a divorce. After my mother died and A left me for another woman, I went numb. I completely gave up on myself. This caused me to gain a ton of weight.

Let me tell you something. I am absolutely fucking DONE living like this! I’m sick and tired of feeling so ashamed and disgusted with myself. It’s time for me to take back my life and my health. I need to be held accountable this time. That is why I have decided to document my body transformation journey. And hopefully, my journey will inspire someone else on theirs.

I have been blessed to meet a lovely woman through Facebook. She is taking me under her wing and coaching me. She’s creating a program for me to follow, and keeping me accountable. She’s pushing me and motivating me to change my relationship with food and my body. From working on my mindset to working on building and awesome ass, she’s become my coach, my friend and my guardian angel.

Sleeping with the enemy

***TRIGGER WARNING!!! EXPLICIT DETAILS OF SEXUAL ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE***

Absolutely NOTHING about the relationship with my ex was normal. It was toxic and abusive from the very beginning.

I was just fourteen-years-old when I fell in love with the boy next door. Looking back, I believe the reason I fell into this relationship is that I was desperately searching for a hero to save me from my miserable, fucked-up life. All of the abuse I had already endured. More abuse at home. And I was being bullied constantly at school. I was depressed and suicidal. I was desperate to be loved. I was desperate to be saved.

If only I had known the hell that awaited me.

In the beginning, all of the signs were there. Red flag after red flag. Yet, somehow I just didn’t see them. In a previous post, I explained how A would compare me to his ex-girlfriend while having sex. I explained a toxic pattern of him breaking up with me, and coming home drunk or high on cocaine begging me to take him back. I always did. I took him back EVERY time.

A had a problem with pornography. He also had a fetish for using toys, banana’s, and cucumbers on me during sex. I hated it, but he just didn’t care. If I didn’t comply, he would get angry and ignore me for days.

The first time A used a toy on me, I had no idea what it was. All I knew is that it wasn’t him. A had gone to the adult store without even bothering to consult me and bought a dildo. In his sick, twisted and demented mind, he reasoned within himself that I wanted it and I would like it. He became angry with me when I got upset.

For years, A would force me to watch porn with him during sex. A would demand that I look at porn, (often lesbians or threesomes) while he was at work. When he came home, he expected me to have something for him to watch just so he could be turned on enough to fuck me. He would constantly compare me to the women in the videos, making me feel ugly, disgusting, and completely worthless. This pattern of porn, toys, and items from the produce aisle continued throughout our entire relationship. A would often beg me for threesomes, but I refused. I just couldn’t bring myself to do such a thing. Of course, A became angry and threw a tantrum whenever I refused. He would always act as if was my duty and obligation to give him whatever he wanted sexually. He never once cared about how I felt. I was just an object to him.

It often seemed that the only time’s A ever wanted to have sex with me, was while I was either asleep, sick, or recovering from surgery. He would often rape me as I slept, or force me to have sex with him when I was sick or in pain. I was never allowed to refuse him. If I did, he would punish me with the silent treatment and withholding affection for days and sometimes even weeks on end. I asked him once why he did this. He answered, “I like to feel in control.”

He liked to feel in control. My feelings didn’t matter. I was just an object to be used. Not a human. Not even a woman. Just a rag doll used over and over and tossed aside.

I Fell in love with the boy next door

It was a crisp fall day. My best friend and I were sitting out on the basketball court watching my new next-door neighbors play a little one-on-one. That is when I noticed him. I mean REALLY noticed him. I turned to my friend and declared, “I’m going to marry that guy someday.” She looked and me and retorted, “What if he wants me instead?” I fired back, “What would he want a flat-chested little bitch like you for when he can have me?”

To this day, I still have no idea what it was about him that I was so drawn to. But somehow I just knew I was going to marry that guy.

When I was thirteen, my mom and I would babysit my younger cousins. Our new next-door neighbors would bring over clothes that their kids had outgrown for my cousins.

One day when I was sitting at the bus stop on my way to school when A approached me and introduced himself. Then he left for his English class. It was a game of cat and mouse over the next few months until my fourteenth birthday. I was standing outside in the freezing cold with my new pet iguana perched on my chest. I was waiting for my mother to come home. Just then, A was coming home. He stopped to talk to me for a minute before going inside. He was interested in my new pet, and a little shocked to see that green lizard perched so contently on my chest.

It was Christmas day when I decided I wanted to be nice and thank A and his cousins for the clothes they gave my little cousins. So I bought a card in Spanish and a single yellow rose. I tucked it carefully into A’s newspaper box, knocked on the door, and ran inside.

Later that night A came and knocked on my door. I stepped out into the cold December night, and he handed me a letter along with an amethyst necklace with a little man hugging the stone. Then he left and went to a party.

I went inside and read the letter. It read:

“Dearest Clara, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.”

On that letter, A had drawn a picture of God’s hands putting a broken heart back together. On the bottom of the page was a rose with a scroll. Inside the scroll, it read, “I love you.”

Enamored by A’s declaration of love for me, I waited up for him to come home. When he did, I could hardly speak. So I handed him a little pink teddy bear holding a heart that said, “I love you.” He kissed me, then went inside.

The next day we were outside talking. A kept asking me to come to his room. When I told him “no”, he got angry and told me he was going to Lollipops, which was an under-age strip club. That was the first red-flag that I didn’t see.

Over the next several months, A would repeatedly break up with me, just to come back drunk or high on cocaine and beg me to take him back. Like a na├»ve and foolish little girl, I did. That was the second red-flag that I just didn’t see.

Over the next couple of weeks, A continued pressuring me for sex until I broke and gave in.

One time while having sex, A had the audacity to tell me that he was imagining me as his ex. The one who gave him blow jobs. The one he wanted to marry. I was crushed. Yet, I did nothing. I stuffed the hurt deep down inside and ignored yet another burning red flag.

Fast forward to our first Valentine’s day together. A wanted to spend the night with me. ALONE. He and my mother agreed that he would pay her $100 to let him spend the night with me, ALONE. One more flaming red flag that I stuffed down and ignored.

The pattern of break-up-and-make-up continued throughout our entire twisted relationship.

Born to Be Used and Abused

***TRIGGER WARNING!!! EXPLICIT DETAIL OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE***
Is it fair that at fourty years old, all I can really tell you about my life is that my earliest memories are of being sexually and physically abused? Pretty fucked-up, don’t ya’ think? My entire life has been plagued by the memories of heinous and insidious acts of sexual abuse, as well as physical and emotional abuse and neglect. (CPTSD really fucking sucks!)

I was just two-years-old the first time it happened. I was an innocent and helpless baby girl, still in diapers. His name was Daniel. And he was a monster. I think he was my mother’s boyfriend at the time. I remember sitting naked in the bathtub with him. He was naked, too. I remember he was masturbating. He ejaculated into his hand. He told me it was candy and he forced me to drink the hot semen from his filthy hand. Then he proceeded to sodomize me. He told me that he would kill me and my mother if I ever told anyone what he did.

At just five years old, I was sexually abused multiple times, by multiple people.
There was Steven, my mother’s boyfriend. I have vague memories of being in bed with him and my mother one night. I remember him rubbing his penis all over me. That’s all I really remember about that incident.

There was Tammy. She was the daughter of a family friend. She was just a teenager. But she was sick, twisted and certainly not a normal teenage girl. I remember she was babysitting me one night. She wanted to “play doctor”. Her demented idea of “playing doctor” with a five-year-old little girl was laying me naked on a table. I remember her spanking my vagina with a tennis-racket-shaped coffee coaster and inserting a bulb syringe into my vagina and rectum. That’s all remember.

Then there was Samuel. He was about five or six years older than me. He was the son of mom’s drinking buddy and lover, Rosalie. Sam abused me several times. I remember one time I was staying with Sam and Rosalie. Sam and I were in his room. We were both naked. He kept running into me ramming his penis into my vagina. Another time, I remember mom and I were staying on the ranch with Sam and Rosalie. Mom and Rosalie were drinking in the trailer. I remember them giving me whisky mixed with eggnog so I would pass out. They made me sleep in the back of the truck with Sam that night. Everything went black after that. I don’t remember what he did to me. But I know he abused me that night.

Then there was Norman. Satan in the flesh. Norman was evil to the core. He was a convicted child molester and a drug addict. Mom knew that, but she let him move in with us anyway. I remember the night he raped me like it was yesterday. I was only eight. Mom was passed out drunk in the bedroom. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of the T.V. I went out to the living room and saw Norman on the couch naked and pretending to be asleep. I turned off the T.V. and went back to bed. A few minutes later, Norman started calling to me, “I want a hug, Clara, I want a hug.” So back to the living room I went. This time, Norman was masturbating. I did everything an eight-year-old girl could do to try to avoid what this demon wanted to do to me. I told him, “NO”, he retorted with, “Aren’t you going to do what your “daddy” says?” “I’ll tell your mom and she’ll be mad.” I tried bringing out every single one of my stuffed animals to introduce to him, to no avail. I told him that my legs and stomach hurt. He told me my panties were too tight and demanded that I take them off. He was getting angry and I was scared. I had no choice but to obey. I took off my panties. But that wasn’t enough. He wanted my nightgown off too. Then he started demanding that I sit on his lap. I didn’t want to. I tried so hard to stop him. Just as he was lowering me onto himself and starting to penetrate me, my mother woke up and came out to the living room. She yelled at me, “What the hell are you doing out here? Get your ass back to bed!” Then she took Norman to her bedroom and they had sex. Yes, you read that right. My mother fucked the monster who had just raped her little girl.

Ahhhh… my mother. She had an issue with pornography. I remember her watching R-rated movies with nudity and sex scenes that she would pause and rewind over and over, right there with me in the room all the time. I remember a few occasions where she sat me on her lap and showed me her Playgirl magazines and tried kissing me on the lips. It’s a far cry from normal for a mother to do that to her little girl!

This is what I remember from my childhood. My innocence was stolen right along side my entire childhood because my selfish mother chose to exploit me. I have no doubts that my mother knew what was going on long before I ever told her. But she chose to do nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing.

Despite my mother doing absolutely nothing about what these monsters did to me, I know that one-day justice will be served. Every one of these monsters will have to stand before God and face judgment for their sins. And because of that, I can have peace of heart and mind about what was done to me.

I Am Afraid

I get lonely and depressed a lot these days,

And sometimes it really scares me,

I feel as though I’m going crazy,

But what am I to do?

I made some new friends awhile ago,

But sometimes I feel as if I am intruding,

I feel as if I don’t belong or out of place,

Yet I enjoy being around them,

I get very confused when I feel this way,

It’s difficult to tell anyone how I feel,

It’s hard for me to confide in someone,

I’m afraid of what they might say or do,

I get so afraid of what might happen to me,

I am afraid of this loneliness and depression,

I feel as if I have no more sanity,

But what am I to do?

Copyright Debbie Lee White, March 1984

The Effects of Emotional Abuse

effects of emotional abuse

Emotional abuse is basically “a concerted effort to control, just like physical abuse is a concerted effort to control another individual.” Instead of relying on physical force to gain their way, the perpetrator “uses emotion as their weapon of choice” and often disregards the victim’s feelings.

Although it is possible to be abused by a spouse or partner, emotional abuse typically occurs in a relationship where one partner is emotionally unavailable. The victim feels so unworthy and unloved that it feels like there will never be any hope for change. This may include feeling that they are worthless or that they are not as important as their partner. They are often pressured to do things they do not want to do and be treated in ways they would not want to be treated.

They may feel the need to constantly reassess their relationship with their partner in order to find ways to fix it. There is often fear in the victim of being hurt or of the partner becoming depressed if they cannot fix the relationship. They might also feel like the other partner is manipulating them because they feel guilty about feeling inadequate and worthless.

These negative feelings result in the victim having an abusive behavior towards the other person. They are likely to use negative words, criticism, and anger when they feel their self-esteem is slipping away. They are often so hurt that they might be willing to do things in order to keep their partner from feeling bad about themselves.

When this happens, it leads to physical aggression. The physical aggression comes from the victim using anger, criticism, and threats to punish the other person for not following through on what they promised or demanding. They will throw tantrums, shout, hit, and even spit at the other person because they feel as though it will make them look good.

If this continues, then the other person will become depressed and will often start thinking of suicide. This will cause them to withdraw from the relationship, often moving out and not returning.

Effects of emotional abuse can be life-changing. If this is happening, then the victim should seek help as soon as possible to stop it from continuing. This is something that should never be tolerated. If this does continue, then it will be difficult to re-enter a relationship.

It is important to get professional help and seek therapy for the abusive behaviors to begin to change. This is important because it will allow the victim to start rebuilding their self-image and regain the love and support they once felt was within their grasp.

Victims need to understand that it is not the time for them to stay silent and simply let their negative behaviors go on. They need to start speaking up and get treatment. They also need to learn how to set limits and take charge of their own life.

Healthy communication and boundaries are critical in the process of repairing any relationship. In order for them to work together in a healthy way, they will need to understand the effects of emotional abuse, learn how to change it, and take charge of their own lives.

It is important for everyone to realize that there is abuse in relationships. Abuse is an issue that affects all kinds of relationships. Whether it is a parent abusing their child, a spouse abusing another spouse or a friend, abuse can happen.

If someone you know has been abused, you should help them get the support they need and know how to deal with it. This type of abuse is harmful and should be removed as soon as possible. It is important that the person suffering from it finds the strength and courage to get help for themselves.

Why I Quit My Job

I quit my job last night. It probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do, and I did it out of anger and frustration. Here’s why.

As I learn to value and respect myself more on this journey, I am finding that I have absolutely ZERO tolerance for disrespect and abuse. ZERO!

Last night a line was crossed and a button was pushed.

One of my patients requires one-on-one care because she is a fall risk. The aide who was sitting with her was leaving for the evening. So I put my patient to bed and sat with her until it was break time.

Not even ten minutes passed when my co-worker came back from her break and let me know I could take mine.

She immediately came back to get me.

One of my other patients had managed to get himself stuck hanging over the side rail on his bed. Half of his body was on the floor and his head and arm were stuck on the side rail.

I had just been in his room ten minutes earlier to change him and reposition him. Ten minutes!

I quickly went to get my charge nurse.

We got the patient back into bed and the charge nurse wanted me to fill out an incident report.

Just as I was about to sit down to do it, one of the other nurses started yelling at me, “if you would be doing your rounds your patient wouldn’t have fallen!”

In utter shock and deeply hurt by that accusation, I responded, “are you seriously blaming me for him falling?”

She yelled back, “Yes! You don’t do your rounds. If you do your rounds you have no falls!”

Guys, I’m so ashamed to say that I completely lost my shit. I dropped so many f-bombs on that woman!

How could she say such things? None of it was true!

How can she expect me to be in two places at once?

And if I’m such a horrible CNA, then WHY am I the only person this particular patient likes? He’s combative with everyone else.

Well for one, his arm an legs are contracted. That makes caring for him painful. I’m gentle with him and take my time. Most of the other aides are rough and impatient with him.

If that were me, I’d get combative too.

I admit that losing my shit and walking off the floor was stupid. But here’s what it taught me:

I’m still fragile. I’m still sensitive and trigger easily. I’m still healing from a lifetime of abuse. And healing is fucking messy! And some days I’m gonna be pushed beyond my breaking point.

But one thing is for sure, I don’t have to put up with being disrespected and humiliated and accused of neglecting my patients.

CNA’s are in high demand right now because of the pandemic. I have no worries of finding another job.

Psychological Abuse

Emotional abuse is often used as a subtle form of manipulation to exert control over another individual by manipulating emotions to ridicule, blame, shame, ridicule, or otherwise psychologically manipulate another individual. In general, emotional abuse is abusive when there is an ongoing pattern of verbal and psychological bullying behaviors that devalue a victim’s self-image and compromise their physical health and self-respect.

Emotional abuse can be categorized as follows: verbal abuse, physical abuse, and/or psychological abuse. Verbal abuse takes place when someone uses abusive and threatening language towards another individual. Verbal abuse can include statements like “You are a worthless piece of trash,” “You are fat,” “You are useless,” and “You will never get anywhere in this world.” Verbal abuse has many consequences, including its potential for physical abuse, depression, and/or suicidal thoughts. Verbal abuse also has the potential to destroy the victim’s social life, making it difficult to function in a normal environment, and eventually leading to severe depression and even suicide.

Emotional bullying occurs when an individual continually attacks a person by negatively labeling them in their minds. The person that the emotional bully has targeted may have specific qualities that make them different from themselves, such as being a lesbian, a drug user, a person of a certain religion, etc. In this manner, the emotional bully will be able to see the strengths and weaknesses in the person that they are criticizing and try to exploit those differences.

Physical abuse takes place when the emotional bully uses physical force against another individual. In most cases, this type of abuse takes place when someone is physically abused. Physical abuse can take the form of breaking or hurting the victim, forcing them to go to emergency medical care, causing injuries that can be life-threatening, and/or subjecting the victim to humiliating behavior. The physical abuser may also put the victim through emotional trauma in the form of verbal abuse by calling them names and/or belittling them. Victims are usually unaware that the emotional abuse has been occurring and the victim may not even realize what is happening at the time.

Psychological abuse happens when a victim has been subjected to various kinds of behaviors or words, which are designed to degrade and destroy the victim’s mental health and self-image. This form of abuse often includes criticism, humiliation, blaming, ridicule, isolation, and/or isolation from friends and family. It is also possible to find that the abusive words have a damaging effect on a victim’s capacity to think rationally and reason properly. Psychologically abusive behaviors may include statements such as: “you have no self-confidence,” “you are so self-centered,” “you are so selfish,” and “I am always right.” Another common psychological behavior is that of accusing a victim of exaggerating their situation or “making excuses.”

Emotional and psychological abuse is often subtle and can occur without a victim realizing that they are being abused. Victims tend to deny the abuse and blame themselves for the bad things that have happened. This denial can make the victim feel as if they are the only one who is responsible for their abuse and this leads to their victimization becoming more entrenched in the situation. In a typical relationship, the perpetrator may use these behaviors to manipulate the victim in order to get back at or even dominate the victim.

Psychological abuse and emotional abuse are similar but not identical. Although emotional abuse causes similar effects, the psychological effects on a victim are different because it is done in an indirect manner. Emotional violence can be subtle and come in many forms, and it is more subtle, whereas physical violence is more obvious and comes in many forms.

Psychological abuse is very much a reality and victims should be aware of its presence and avoid it when possible. By doing so, victims can help to protect themselves and their children from becoming victimizers and abusers themselves.

Time to Say Good-bye

We’ve spent a lot of time together, and shared a lot of good times. But sometimes I felt as if you never cared. You never cared about the things I did for you, Or in the way I tried to help, And now I’m carrying our child, Something I thought would make our love stronger, And something that would make us grow and grow, And show us responsibilities we need to face, And now you decide you have second thoughts about things, You would rather run away from responsibilities instead of face them, Face the fact there is a human being awaiting birth.

We have a beautiful daughter now with reddish hair and brown eyes, Someone to make us happy all our lives, But you don’t seem to give a damn about anyone but yourself, And now we’ve gone our separate ways, Our daughter is a bundle of joy and love, The kind of love you can’t really find in a grown-up, And I’m filled with so much happiness, Happiness I’ve never experienced, And no one is going to take that happiness away from me, Because our daughter and God has given it to me, They have given me happiness to keep and cherish, And now, not even you can’t take that away from me, For now, I am stronger than before.

Stronger in love, happiness and frame of mind, and nothing is going to destroy that strength, Not even you and your way of life, A life that can hurt people and their lives, And now you are away for a while, And I’ve got time to think things over, And to get my mind straight and clear, So good-bye for now, For it’s time to go our separate ways.

Copyright Debbie Lee White, April 1980

For Rodney Michael Tweet, (My father)

What Does Anxiety Feel Like?

What does anxiety feel like? How does it feel to be in a high anxiety state?

what anxiety feels like

“This is exactly what anxiety feels like” – This is something that so many people hear when they have a panic attack. But, these are not things that happen every day… Panic attacks are not normal, and the feeling of terror is something that only occurs in a very small percentage of the people who experience them.

“Can’t breathe, just breathe for me” – If you have a high anxiety state then this is something that is going to happen to you. You may feel tightness in your chest and you might begin to sweat. These are all real symptoms, and some people will actually go into panic mode right then. But, you do not have to, because you can take deep breaths and eventually your panic attacks will subside.

“The panic attacks are getting worse, I can’t take it any more…” – Sometimes people become fearful of having an attack and even if they do they will not be able to control it. This is a common cause of fear.

“Something is wrong with me, or I am sick.” – Some people believe that their anxiety symptoms are caused by a serious health issue that requires immediate treatment.

“Something is not right with me, maybe I have a problem with my heart…” – The symptoms described above can indicate a more serious underlying medical problem, but you don’t want to rule anything out until it has been confirmed with a doctor.

“I am losing my mind…” – Anxiety can be something that is so severe that it makes you feel like you are losing your mind. If your anxiety makes you feel this way then it is more than likely a medical problem that needs to be addressed. Make an appointment with a doctor and get yourself checked out.

“What does anxiety feel like?” Yes, you may not have every single symptom that someone may have during a panic episode. But, knowing what they are can help you realize what symptoms you might be experiencing as well as how to overcome them.

Your heart racing – Your heart will beat faster, and your breathing will become faster too. When you begin to feel like you are losing control, you may have to fight your way out of the situation. But, there are things you can do to help to prevent this from happening.

Panic attacks – They can come suddenly or they can come over time. If you can notice them happening, there are some things you can do to prevent them. One of the best is to learn to recognize the warning signs. When an anxiety attack is about to start, try to do something about it as quickly as possible.

You can also do some of these things yourself, such as practicing deep breathing and relaxation techniques. Once you have learned the signs that your panic attacks are about to begin, you can work to combat them before they start.

Panic attacks – It can even be helpful to get your hands on some anxiety relief products. They are usually not expensive and they are effective at helping you combat panic attacks. But, be careful with these. If you are not familiar with these you should check with your doctor.

Remember, the first sign of a panic or anxiety attack is a feeling of terror, and the last sign is an overwhelming sense of fear. Recognizing these first and trying to overcome them will make your panic attacks easier to handle.

Living With Borderline Personality Disorder

On this page, you’ll learn about living with borderline personality disorder in a step-by-step manner. First of all, what is it? It is an unusual personality style characterized by emotional extremes and an often unstable attachment to reality. This condition can lead to depression, suicidal thoughts, physical violence, and other problems. What to do when you think you may have borderline personality disorder?

Many people with borderline personality have learned to cope, although this may not be an easy task. Therapy can be very effective and most people who have the disorder can handle it. If you are concerned that you may have borderline personality, you may also be interested to learn more about this condition… If you feel that you may have borderline personality or have a loved one that has, you may want to consider talking to a therapist that specializes in this area.

People with personality disorders generally do not recognize their own weaknesses are often exposed. Because this type of person tends to think about things in extreme terms, they often do not believe they are acting on impulse or are rational. They usually do not realize that other people see things in a different way or that things are just a little bit out of whack. Living with this disorder can be very challenging for anyone, but it is not nearly as difficult as some people may think.

Living with borderline personality may be difficult for some people, and it can even be difficult for you as you begin to experience this disorder, but the good news is that you are not alone. As long as you get professional help and if you take the necessary steps, you can get through this period and move forward. If you know someone who lives with this condition, there is no reason to be ashamed because they are just like you.

Living with borderline personality is not going to be easy, but you need to remember that there is help available for those who suffer from this disorder. There are many books and videos and online websites that offer support for those who suffer from this disorder and want to learn how to overcome it. The good news is that you don’t need to live with this disorder alone and you will find that others who are going through it to understand your feelings and fears and frustrations. They are not always so distant that you don’t talk to them. There are many people who are willing to listen to you and share their stories of struggling with their friends or relatives who have lived with this disorder and they are very open about their experiences.

Living with borderline personality may be difficult and if you know someone that does, you may want to get them some counseling. There are many people who live with this disorder and are not aware of it. It is easy to become too comfortable and forget to check up on them. You may want to make sure that your loved one knows what they are doing. You don’t want your loved one to feel lonely, but sometimes they are.

If your partner or family member is experiencing a relapse or if they have been depressed lately, you may want to discuss treatment options and seek professional help for borderline disorder. This can be done through some counseling services or a psychotherapist that specializes in this type of disorder. Even if they don’t have clinical depression, they could benefit from some help with some of the issues they are facing.

Living with borderline personality can be challenging, but it can be done. Even if you think you may have it, you should take the time to try to figure out what your symptoms are. If you take these steps, you will be able to face this challenge.

Dating Is Like Learning How to Swim

In this post, I described how I had met a guy on a popular dating app and had my first “real date” since separating from my abuser. I talked about the nice things that my date did for me.

What I didn’t talk about was what an asshole he was and all the red flags that I just couldn’t ignore a second longer.

His lack of respect for me was the biggest red flag of all. He just couldn’t seem to help himself from calling me every name but my own. Names like “punk”, “stupid”, “Carla”, (Ummm…hello? My name is CLARA!). He also thought it was okay to talk about every chic he’s been with and flirted with, but it wasn’t okay for me to mention my ex. He thought it was funny when he told me that he’d “fuck all of my friends” if I ever cheated on him.

Another red flag; he had the audacity to grab me by my hair even though I told him to NEVER do that to me when he asked me if I liked having my hair pulled.

He seemed so disinterested in me except for sex. He didn’t even want me to touch him or cuddle with him. He spent all of his time staring at the T.V and his phone. He’d get up and go outside every few minutes without saying a word.

Although he said he wanted a committed relationship that would eventually lead to marriage, it was more than clear that he was only interested in sex.

And he was jealous and paranoid as hell. He got pissed at me for talking to someone on Facebook. A woman who was reaching out to me about my fitness and weight loss journey nonetheless. Shortly after that, he abruptly ended the date.

A few minutes later he called me accusing me of talking to guys on Facebook.

That accusation took me back. Way back. My ex did that to me for YEARS!

The next day he called me and told me he didn’t want to pursue a relationship with me.

So I did the smart thing. I blocked his psycho ass.

Well, he did a smart thing, too. He called me from a private number and told me that he missed talking to me and he wanted to takes things slowly.

This is where I fucked up. I started talking to him again. But it was different. He wanted to meet up, but he wanted ME to pay for dinner and shit. He literally expected me to drop everything and just go meet him at another hotel.

No! Not this time. My son is right. I need to have more respect for myself and not allow myself to be used and abused by anyone else.

Although this guy turned out to be another douchebag, I’ve learned a very important lesson.

Dating is like learning how to swim.

I was just a little girl, about five or six years old when I took swim lessons. I remember standing terrified at the edge of the diving board twelve feet above twelve feet of water.

I was paralyzed by fear.

All of a sudden I was falling! My swim instructor pushed me off the diving board!

My feet hit the bottom of the pool. I had no other option but to figure out how to swim if I wanted to breathe!

Yes, this is what dating is like. I have absolutely no idea what the hell I’m doing. But if I want to breathe, I better learn how to swim and make it to the top!

Loneliness and Silence

The loneliness and silence has finally overcome me,

The silence surrounds me like a fog on the sea,

And I am lost in that loneliness and silence,

Always afraid of being closed in a blanket of darkness,

A darkness that no one seems to understand,

Searching for the answer near and far,

Looking into the sky at an only star,

And wishing that someone would hold out a helping hand,

Loneliness is strange in a way,

All the sounds of night and day,

And the silence is a silence that can’t be defined,

And the tricks it can play on your mind,

The loneliness has finally overcome me,

The silence surrounds me like a fog on the sea,

And I am confused about what’s happening todayand tomorrow,

All of a sudden my heart’s beginning the pain of sorrow,

The sorrow that’s digging deep within me,

The pain of being lonely and full of fear,

And the thought of never being free,

Free of the loneliness and silence that surrounds me,

The loneliness has finally overcome me,

The silence surrounds me like a fog on the sea,

And I am lost in that loneliness and silence,

Always afraid of being closed up in a blanket of darkness.

Copyright Debbie Lee White, October 1978

Living With Depression

Living with depression, especially at an early age, can be very difficult. Children often do not feel that they are “sick” and are not able to communicate with their parents or other family members about the depression they are experiencing. This may result in a child not receiving the care they need from an early age. When a child is not receiving adequate care at an early age, the chance of developing severe depression increases. If you suspect that your child may be suffering from depression, make sure you take them to see a doctor immediately.

When a child is depressed, their mental and physical health can suffer greatly. A child with depression is more likely to fall ill and become hospitalized. The chance of developing serious medical conditions such as heart disease and diabetes increases greatly. Other children may be afraid to leave home because of their depression. They may feel ashamed and embarrassed that they are having trouble with depression and may hide it from friends and family. Depression is a serious condition and should not be left untreated.

Your child’s diet and exercise should be adjusted based on what they are doing well, and if they are feeling down, they should be encouraged to talk to you about it. When a child is depressed, they will need to be evaluated by a doctor for potential medical conditions. The proper diagnosis can help you and your child get the treatment they need.

In some cases, depression can be treated with medications and therapy. Medications such as anti-depressants, and benzodiazepines, can help a person who is depressed through bouts of intense depression. These medications should only be used under the supervision of a licensed medical professional.

There are many self-help methods that you can use to overcome depression. Many parents will begin teaching their child proper nutrition and exercise at an early age so that they will be able to enjoy healthy eating and healthy exercise habits at a young age. This can help the child grow into a happy healthy adult.

If you think your child may be suffering from depression, you should seek help today in order to help them move forward in their child’s life. Depression can be devastating, but if you can treat your child’s depression at an early age, there is a better chance of reducing their depression to a mild state which can be easily treated without causing more problems. There is no shame in seeking help for your child if they are depressed and there are plenty of places you and your family can turn to help your child with their depression.

My Life After Abuse

Olivia Lucie Blake

Musings of a Millennial. Life, The World and Everything In Between

Fighting for a Future

Supporting Survivors of Childhood Abuse and Complex PTSD

Spitfyre Phoenix Rising

Recovering from a lifetime of narcissistic abuse and reclaiming my mind, body, and spirit

Recovering from Narcissists

Narcissistic Abuse

A Blog About Healing From PTSD

Healing After Narcissistic Abuse & Complex Trauma

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